Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Mixed Emotions

My heartache and anger absolutely consume me tonight. I'm heartbroken that in the midst of recovering from major brain surgery we were given the news that Logan's ROP has progressed from Stage 1 to Stage 3 (with plus disease) in his right eye and stage 2 in his left and our precious baby was forced to undergo laser surgery on both eyes this afternoon. I'm angry because I just don't understand - how much pain and suffering can one innocent soul endure in only 3 months on this earth? Sadly enough, my faith seems to be crumbling as I just can't understand how or why God can subject a child to such misery and strife. When is this sweet boy going to catch a break? I've been trying to stay positive and simply be thankful that he has survived this whole ordeal but I feel absolutely broken and I can't even bear to think about how my Logan is feeling tonight. I know he is a fighter and will get through every single obstacle that gets in his way but I would just like to see him get through something, anything at all, that he doesn't have to fight so damn hard for. Why can't anything be easy for him?? The only good news we received is that he will be transported back to Pennsylvania Hospital to be with his brother tomorrow. I'm so relieved that he will be back with his primary nurse who loves him and who he loves because I think love is just about the only thing we can offer him right now to make him feel better.

On a much brighter note, we got the stunning and blissful news this morning that Landon will be coming home with us next Tuesday!!!!! I think I am still in shock and don't think I'll fully be able to absorb this news until he's actually at home with us and even then I'll probably struggle for a few days to accept that it's real and he's finally all ours 3 months and 1 day after his birth. I will provide more discharge details tomorrow or later this week (as well as updates on shunt & eye surgeries), I'm just not up to writing too much at the moment. I'm really struggling to sort out these conflicting emotions tonight as I'm so absolutely elated about Landon coming home so soon but overcome with grief about Logan's continued struggles.


mcweix said...

Annie, I'm so torn for you right now.....what wonderfull news for Landon and heartbreaking news for Logan. I hope you don't mind, I'm taking the liberty of letting the ladies on DIJan know your great news about both boys. I hope your new year brings both boys home to you soon!

SweetLouise said...

Annie, Please know that all of your West Coast family prays for the boys and we hope the New Year brings you and yours, all the very best. Your cousin, Cheryl

JillEC19 said...

Dearest Annie,
I simply cannot imagine the heartache you're going through right now as I know how much my heart hurts for sweet Logan. I know we can't fully understand right now, but pls try to remember that God has a plan and there IS a bigger picture somewhere down the line that we just can't see yet. Our little Logan is with us, staying strong and continually beating every odd thrown his way! He is a miracle! Keep your faith, Ann. I love you, am here if you need anything and will always be praying...XOXO Jill

Angela said...

Oh god Annie, your blog both breaks my heart and warms it all at the same time. Logan will get through this as he has done through the past three months of hell. The boys are strong and will be strong for each other and their mommy and daddy. I miss you terribly and yearn to give you a giant hug. I love you babe and hang in there. God will take care of you and your boys, just continue to have faith. I love you and am thinking of you, Steve and both peanuts everyday.

Anonymous said...

Annie, I'm on the SK expecting multiples board - expecting twins, and I found the link to your blog a few weeks ago. I'm the mom of a former preemie who had 5 weeks in the NICU. I know what we went through is nothing compared to the your little guys since they were so early. But each time I read your blog and see their pictures, I am brought to tears and I understand what you mean about the joy and grief, and feeling you are missing out on a "normal" experience but still feeling it is so special since this is your experience, like with the bath.

I'm so happy Landon is doing well, and little Logan is going to pull through soon. Faith is a struggle. I think the big picture thing is the way to try to keep your faith. Realize months from now, both of your little guys will be home playing and this will be a vivid but far away memory. And when you can't pray, realize there are tons of people out there praying for your boys, and you!


annitbananit said...

Annie, your blogs nearly bring me to tears. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family and I continue to be amazed at the strength of your little boys and how they continue to strive and grow. I know they will both be home with you soon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Jill's friend Annie