8 Weeks Old and 3 Pounds!

Pic above is Daddy w/Logan (left) & Landon (right);

Pic #2 to the left and #3 below are Logan

Pic #4 to the left is Logan - he's pooped after a long day;

Pics #5, 6 & 7 below are Landon

Logan and Landon are 8 weeks old tonight and have been in the NICU for 56 days - what an exhausting, emotional and heartbreakingly beautiful journey it's been. The boys are making tremendous progress and are well on their way to joining us at home in a few months. Thanksgiving came and went and I realized more than ever this year how much I have for which to be thankful. Therefore, I've decided to focus only on the positive in this post, no bad news (for once)!

Foremost, in the battle of the weight gain, Logan remains the heavyweight champion, coming in at 3 lbs., 3 ozs with Landon not far behind at 3 lbs., 1 oz! It's amazing how much they've both grown and finally look and act like "real" babies (just miniature versions!) now that they are filling out and are free of many of the wires, tubes, face masks, etc. that plagued them for the first 8 weeks of their lives. One of the greatest parts of the boys being off the ventilator is that now that they don't have the ET tube down their throat, I have been able to hear both of them cry for the first time. Although it breaks my heart to see them upset, it truly is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. We were deprived of that special moment, that feeling of relief and release that overcomes a parent when your baby lets out that loud and encouraging cry at birth and you hear his or her voice for the very first time. So many parents take that moment for granted, but like this entire pregnancy and everything my boys will ever do in this life, none of it has been or will ever be taken for granted. And for that, I can only be thankful.

In terms of their respiratory efforts, as I detailed in my last post, Logan was finally taken off the ventilator and moved to CPAP last Sunday. Well, he was doing so well that he only spent 2 days on it until he graduated to the high flow nasal cannula like his little brother, where he has stayed since last Tuesday! His oxygen support generally ranges from 27% to 35%, which is great for only being off the vent for a week. He was initially on the 5L flow cannula but they weaned him down to the 3L flow yesterday (which Landon is on) and he seems to be tolerating it well. Landon is still on the high flow cannula and isn't requiring any supplemental oxygen (is on 21% oxygen, which is room air) except during his feeds when he de-sats alot due to reflux problems. The next step for both of them will be when they are finally breathing entirely on their own with no assistance.

I feel so silly now for spending those sleepless days and weeks worrying Logan might never get off the vent. Above all else though, I feel ashamed of myself for not having the faith in him to believe and know he would fight his way off that vent like he's fought through every other obstacle he's faced in his 56 days of life. As I sit here trying to express my feelings in this post, I still cannot come up with words strong enough to express the absolute depth of my love and pride for him and in him. In BOTH of them.

Steve and I have both been holding the boys as much as we can and changing their diapers each day and this week I am going to give Logan a bath for the first time (not his first bath, but my first time giving him one)! I am so nervous because I know he doesn't like it very much and I worry as usual that I'm hurting or upsetting him, but at the same time, I'm extremely grateful for any time that I can spend with him right now. It's not ideal and certainly not what I imagined, bathing my son for the first time in the hospital, but it's the hand we were dealt and I truly believe that before we know it, he'll be at home playing with his brother in our own big bathtub!! These are the thoughts that I try to focus on to get me through each day, week and month.